ONE LINERS

Life is much too short to be somber all the time. When life gets serious, you just HAVE to laugh. Over the years, I have collected enough good one liners to last me for a long, long time. There are so many that I have organized them in categories. Each month, I'll present a few from my collection. Read and ENJOY!!

THIS MONTH: COMPUTERS

Computer Definitions and Commands:

KEYBOARD - Hardware used to enter errors into a computer
HARDWARE: This you kick. SOFTWARE: This you corrupt.
(W)indows (I)cons (M)ice (P)ointers (S)heesh
Lee Iaccoca + Dracula = AUTOEXEC.BAT
BIOLOGICAL INTERFACE ERROR -- Replace User, then hit any key to continue
UNRECOVERABLE APPLICATION ERROR -- Detonation follows
DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere
Cannot open CATFOOD.CAN Eat MS Mouse instead (Y/N)?
New mail not found: Start whine/pout sequence (Y)es (O)f Course
FLOPPY DRIVE NOT RESPONDING, Format HARD DRIVE instead? [Y/N]
Southern DOS: Y'ALL RECKON? [Yup/Nope]
WYSIWIT - What You See Is What I Typed
CHEERIOS.COM halted: cereal port not responding
REALITY.SYS corrupted. REBOOT Universe? [Y/N]

Heard by the Help Desk:

"Hey, what does this RESET butto..."
"HHeellpp!! II''mm ssttuucckk iinn hhaallff--dduupplleexx!!"
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a download." -Rhett Sysop
"The name is Baud . . . . James Baud."
My Go !! This amn keyboar oesn't have any 's!
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files
C:\DOS. C:\DOS\RUN. RUN\DOS\RUN.
Did you ever stop to think, and then forget to restart?
My computer caught the Vivaldi virus. It's baroque now...
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Fax me no questions and I'll telex no lies
At least in Cyber Space I can be a myth in my own mind
WAIT! Don't pick up that phon#{#!@#$%^&*()= --NO CARRIER

Advice from the Help Desk:

If it's not on fire, it's a software problem
It's not a Bug. It is a hidden and seldom used feature
Experience varies directly with the amount of equipment ruined
Computer possessed?? Use Device=Exor.sys

Computing Words of Wisdom:

Computing is one of the terminal diseases
"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing"
You don't have to be computer illiterate here, but it helps
Buy a Pentium III/500 so you can reboot faster
If at 1st you don't succeed, call it Ver. 1
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once
On a clear disk you can seek forever
Data, data everywhere, and not a byte to eat
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane.
Good printers do it without wrinkling the sheets
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI
Computations which yield zero are probably all for naught
The world is coming to an end. Please log off

I/O I/O...IT'S WRITE TO DISK I GO...I/O I/O...

That's all for now!! See you next month!!

Special thanks to Ellen Weitz for finding and sending me some of the funniest lines.