Son of Japanese Ranma TV From Hell (A genuine Japlish title.) By two guys named Greg and Fester [Two figures, sitting in a aging former police car parked under an old bridge swarming with cops, stare out the front window.] Greg: It's 12 hours till dawn. We've got a clean disk, a full humidor of cigars, a case of Fosters, it's dark and we're wearing dark glasses. Uncle Fester: Let's do it, laddie. ***** ? ***** Little noticed AP news story. Dateline: Washington DC - Due to mounting international debt, the US government has arranged for the sale of most of America's older television shows and every cable system in the country to Nippon Television. The Japanese television network assured the American producers that no changes would be made to their original shows. However, their cable service may experience some 'changes'. ********** Greg: What's on the tube tonight? That new cable system any good? Uncle Fester: [Staring at the TV, jaw open, eyes wide] Ya wonna believe it, laddie. ########## [*click*] ########## [Line of cats dressed in old band uniforms, blowing long horns with 'M' banners on each.] Tatatata-tatatata-tatatatatatata-tata. Group: [Singing] Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me? Bigger group: M-O-U S-S-E, Moussie, Moussie, Duck (Quack) Group: [Still singing] Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! You're as welcome as can be. Bigger group: M-O-U S-S-E, Moussie, Moussie, Duck (Quack) ########## [*click*] ########## [Scene of Soun Tendo running through his house.] Hokey country singer: [singing] Come and listen to my story of a man named Soun. A poor widower barely kept his kin in tune. Then one day... ########## [*click*] ########## [Black & white movie. Genma, dressed as a wacky scientist, is explaining Japan's secret weapon to Pilot Officer Ranma, dressed in his flying uniform.] Genma: [Speaking Japanese with a German accent] Do you understand, mein young Saotome? Ranma: [Snapping to attention] Hai! Professor. This bomb is the result of spitting atoms. Genma: That's SPLITTING atoms, bakakopf! Ranma: [Shrugging shoulders] Whatever... It goes 'BOOM', right? Genma: Like you wouldn't believe. Ranma: And its power is enough to destroy the entire American fleet in a single blow. Genma: Ja. Are you sure you want to go through with this? Ranma: [Turning dramatically towards the camera] I'm prepared to sacrifice my life for my martial arts, er, country. Just so long as it's not my manhood. Genma: Errr, perhaps you should wait a few minutes before leaving. Ranma: Why? Genma: It's raining outside. Ranma: Oh... [Later, at the airfield. Akane(dressed in WW 2 Japanese nurse uniform) is clinging to the arm of Pilot Officer Ranma as he attempts to board his bomber.] Akane: [pleading] Oh, Ranma, Ranma, my love, you cannot sacrifice yourself this way. Think of me. Think of our unborn baby. Ranma: [In an overly gallant voice] I am a man of high principle, Akane. I fight for the protection of the underdog; the defeat of the oppressors; the preservation of my... What baby? Akane: [Embarrassed] Oh, wait, you're not the father. Nevermind. Ranma: [Slightly shaken] So... I will pilot our last remaining bomber to drop our latest weapon on the foolish American fleet and save our people. [Grins at camera. Teeth create a sparkle effect.] For that is what a hero does, ne? Akane: [Very skeptically] Didn't we start the war? Ranma: [Very quickly] Nasty imperialist American rumor. Akane: [Her arms wrap around Ranma's leg again] But how will you find the fleet, my darling? Ranma: [pointing to an approaching officer] Why, I've got the best navigation officer left in Japan. Akane: [looking astonished] You don't mean... Ranma: Yes, Ensign Ryouga Hibiki will navigate the strike. Nabiki: [dressed like a 'comfort' girl] We're doomed. Ryouga: Nonsense. All I have to do is turn left at Hiroshima then drop the bomb. Or was that drop the bomb, then turn left? No no, It was drop the bomb then turn RIGHT. Yeah, that's it. Nabiki: [still dressed like a comfort' girl] I'm offering 8 to 1 odds that the goof misses the ocean entirely. Akane: I'm in for 10. Genma: Me too. Ranma: I'll take that. Only an idiot could miss an entire ocean. [Everybody watches as Ensign Ryouga climbs into the wrong plane.] ########## [*click*] ########## Mousse: [Dressed in tuxedo and wearing antlers] Hey, Akane! Watch me pull a panda out of my hat. Akane: [Wearing a fluffy tail and powder blue leather flying helmet] Again!?! Mousse: [Tearing sleeve off] Nothin up my sleeve. [Half the inventory of Montgomery Wards falls on the floor] Presto! [Reaches into hat and pulls out Mr. Saotome in Panda form.] Panda: [holding sign] Roar! Akane: What the hell was that? Mousse: [looking perplexed] A rabbit? ########## [*click*] ########## [Scene of baseball game] Announcer: Well, folks, it's the bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases loaded and the home team trails by one. Coming to bat for Nerima is their best hitter; Ranma Saotome. Listen to that crowd roar. Crowd - All three of them: [bored] Yeaaaaa. Announcer: Saotome digs in. The pitcher goes into his wind up. And... wait... ladies and gentlemen, I don't believe it. The sprinkler system has just activated itself. [Cut to scene of maintenance shed where Ryouga is rolling on the floor laughing after turning on the sprinklers] [Cut back to game.] Announcer: Everyone, including Saotome is getting... wait a minute.... This is incredible! Ranma Saotome has turned into a... a... girl'! I don't believe it. The umpires are huddling...... yes..... I believe we're going to get a ruling.... Saotome has been ruled an illegal substitution and declared 'out'. The game's over. Nerima loses again! ########## [*click*] ########## Announcer: Tonight on Meeting of Minds. William F. Buckley will debate Tatewaki Kuno on the empirical evidence that life began with a big bang. ########## [*click*] ########## Announcer: Last time you remember, Ranma Saotome's mother was paying the Tendo's a little visit. [Close up of Nodoka] What about Nodoka and her mysterious bundle. Does it contain the child her husband has never seen or is she still the family 'cut up'. [Close up of Soun] How well does Soun Tendo know Nodoka? Are the rumors true? Does he really cry because he suffers for the pain of others or because he fears discovery by his best friend Genma Saotome. [Soun jumps a little as Nodoka 'gooses' him.] [Close up of Genma] And what about Genma Saotome? Is he really the saint he appears to be? Has he been 'stepping out' on his wife with the panda down at the zoo. What *has* he been doing out in the bamboo grove with the other pandas? [Close up of smirking Nabiki] Will Nabiki Tendo clean up with her extortion ideas? Is she really pregnant? [Nabiki's eyes pop wide open] Will the rest of the fanfiction community ever forgive Greg for writing 'New Horizons'? [Greg and Uncle Fester's eyes pop wide open as they look at each other.] [Close up of Kasumi, looking shocked, hands in front of mouth.] Will sweet Kasumi Tendo succumb to the evil Chris Willmore's desires and serve the family stir fried Panda? And why does she always seem to have money? Where, exactly, does she go during the day? Is Dr. Tofu's place really a doctor's clinic or is it an undercover house of prostitution where Kasumi is the star attraction? [Kasumi gives camera a really weird but vacant look.] [Close up of Tatewaki and Kodachi Kuno looking in window] Will Nerima ever find out just what perversions are taking place out at the Kuno estate? [Both Kuno's look shocked at the camera] Does 'Kodachi' really mean 'little long sword'? And what could that possibly mean to this brother-sister combination? [Close up of Ukyou sticking head inside door] And what about sweet Ukyou Kuonji? Will Zen ever write her a happy ending? Or will she be subjected to innumerable unspeakable indignities by other fanfic writers until she is forced to join the despicable Dr. Tofu in his 'clinic' as an appetizer? Will the authorities finally figure out why her okonomiyaki is so popular and arrest her for illegal use of the secret 'eleven herbs and spices' first found in Kentucky Fried Chicken? Will this explain why KFC is one of the fastest growing fast food chains in Japan? [Close up of Ryouga standing on a coral reef somewhere off the Australian coast] Will the young Ryouga ever get over his swine fetish? Will the family ever discover Akane's been sleeping with a cursed male? [Akane casts startled look at Ranma] No the *other* cursed male! [Close up of sweating Akane] And what about Akane Tendo? Will she get herself killed again by some fanfiction writer who has a deep down personal love attraction to the violent youngest daughter of Soun Tendo? Will she resolve her objections to her fiance or will she find their differences just too... kinky? Will some other fanfiction writer who has a deep down personal love attraction to the violent youngest daughter of Soun Tendo, write her as a lesbian only to have her fall in love with one of her own sisters? [Akane's eyes pop wide open as she notices Nabiki and Kasumi sliding closer.] [Close up of shocked Ranma] And finally what about the indomitable Ranma Saotome? Will writers pass up the opportunity to do the first Ranma solo lemon story? Will Ranma ever 'come to grips' with his female side? Will Shampoo finally get the 'best' of him? [Shampoo nods vigorously.] Will he ever learn not to take off his wet clothes in front of Soun Tendo after he turns into a she? [Soun stops crying and makes a goofy face at the camera.] Will Akane ever 'come to grips' with his perversions? [Akane taps a large mallet in her hand.] Tune in next time to - The Nightmare On Takahashi Street. ########## [*click*] ########## [Kasumi kneeling in middle of family dojo holding bottle of liquid cleaner] Kasumi: To get those hard to remove blood and guts stains out of *our* dojo's floor, I rely on the proven power of... ########## [*click*] ########## Announcer: Mousse-keteer role call - count - off - now! Akane: [Grinning at camera] Akane! Ryouga: [Facing wrong way] Ryouga! Shampoo: [Jiggling] Annette! All: You're not Annette. Shampoo: Can be if I want! Ukyou: You're just Shampoo in a Wonder Bra. Shampoo: Shampoo no wear bra. Ranma: Oh yeah. I knew that... Akane: WHAT?!? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!?!? Ranma: Eeeep! [Scene of unbelievable violence.] ########## [*click*] ########## [Scene of News set] Announcer: Welcome to the Six O'clock News. With your anchors: Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo. Also: Weatherman Ryouga Hibiki; Financial News from Nabiki Tendo; and Sports with Shampoo. [Camera cuts to two shot of Ranma and Akane sitting at desk. A large blue screen currently showing the station's logo hangs between them in the background.] Ranma: [Shuffling papers] Ah... Konnichi wa. Ah... [digging through papers] Our top story tonight is... ah... Panda mange on the increase. Doctors baffled. [Turns to look at Akane] Akane?... Akane: [After a good face fault before whispering to Ranma.] Panda mange? THAT's your lead story? Ranma: [Defensively] Hey, you sleep with someone that has it and see how important it becomes to *you*. Akane: [Still looking incredulously at her co-anchor] In other news, a five alarm fire in downtown Nerima today destroyed a popular Chinese Restaurant. The cause of the blaze is unknown. However, witnesses claim to have seen a duck, a white cat, ... [glances nervously at the camera]... a little black pig... and a red head girl... [stops reading and looks at Ranma who is busy silently whistling at the ceiling.] running from the scene. If anyone has any information... Ranma: [Quickly recovering and moving on] And now for tonight's weather with stand in weatherman Tsubasa Kurenai. [Hissing at Akane] I *told* you that idiot Ryouga couldn't find his way to the studio. [Cut to part of studio with giant weather map scotch taped to the wall. Little clouds, suns, and lightning bolts are taped to its surface. A large public mail box comes waddling onto the set.] Tsubasa: [Voice coming from inside of mail box] I hear it's a beautiful evening outside tonight. Of course, I wouldn't know due to being stuck inside this mailbox. [A long wooden pointer slowly extends from the mail slot and begins randomly poking at the map] Tomorrow, It's gonna be sunny over much of Japan mixed with occasional rain, sleet, snow, a few tornados, and a really neat earthquake; but I'm not not sure where. [Pointer begins waiving around wildly] Temperatures will be too hot to wear a mailbox in the southern half of the country but just right for a light umbrella stand over the northern portions. [Pointer snags on a section around Hokkido] You can expect unseasonably seasonable temperatures with higher than normal and typical but not too heavy precipitation, much of which will never reach the ground. [Tsubasa yanks on pointer, ripping entire map down.] Ranma: [From over at the main desk] Then... tomorrow will be a pleasant day? Tsubasa: [Face faults the entire mailbox] How should I know? I'm stuck in this hot, smelly ... Akane: Thank you , Tsubasa. And now for Financial news with Nabiki Tendo. [Turns to left to look at the Financial Reporter] Nabiki? Nabiki: [Acknowledging Akane's introduction] Thank you, little sis. [Turns to camera and gives 'cat who ate the canary' smile] This week was really an up week for me. Betting pools were all financially rewarding (All except the Kansas State - BYU game but, heck, everybody who's not a Mormon took a hosing on that one.) [Grins at Ranma and Akane who stare blankly back] Ahem...Yes, well, extortion's up 25 percent, the price for common pictures of Ranma-chan or Akane have gone up almost 50 percent, and my personal net worth has skyrocketed.. [Looks nervously at Ranma and Akane once again before swallowing hard and finishing her report with a phony grin] All in all, I'm bullish on Nerima. [For several seconds, Ranma and Akane continue to stare at Nabiki as the Executive Producers, Minami Takayama and Angela Costain, converge on the sweating Financial reporter. Long sharp implements of torture gleam in the studio lights.] ########## [*click*] ########## [Scene of small lake somewhere up in the Japanese highlands. A lone figure stands serenely in knee deep water, arms crossed, looking proudly across the water to the far shore.] Announcer: And now, Fishing with Tatewaki Kuno... [Figure draws katana, assumes appropriate martial stance for a couple of minutes before furiously flailing about the surface of the water with the sword.] ########## [*click*] ########## [Old black and white movie. Ranma, Akane, and Soun run onto the scene and pause in front of a really poor background showing some stock footage of a recent warehouse fire somewhere in Tokyo before looking back the way they came. You can tell this is an old Japanese movie as the lips of the actors are out of sync with the sound track.] Akane: [Lips moving furiously for several seconds.] Look, its the monster! Soun: [Nodding without moving mouth.] Yes, it's coming. Ranma: [Wiping nose with rag.] It will devour us all. [Giant monster foot suddenly appears above the trio] Akane: [Lips really work fast this time - lasts almost two minutes.] We're doomed. Soun: [Staring up at the giant foot, mouth opens and closes once.] This is all our fault. Our carelessness created this monster. I wish we hadn't fooled around with atomic powered credit cards. Ranma: [Looking disgusted at the camera.] I just wish my lips matched the dialog once in a while. [Akane and Genma give Ranma a disgusted look as the giant foot crushes the trio. Camera pans up the front of the monster. Up, up past the long shapely legs. Up past the deliciously rounded hips. Up past the tight, trim, sexy waist. Up past the 38C, barely contained, straining at the seams, looks really soft to the touch, set of knockers. (Smack, drool)] Announcer: [Who's lips DO match his dialog.] Yes, the most feared monster on the Ginza... Nabsilla! ########## [*click*] ########## [Colorful montage of Anime scenes and characters. There's Ranma and Akane, the Knight Sabers, the gang from Mason Ikkouko, the cast of the Venus Wars, Sailor Moon and her gang, Nuku-Nuku, and on and on...] Announcer: You've tuned to the all new, 24 hour a day, Japanese Anime Channel. Where, you'll see the best in Japanese Animation all the time - every day. This month we'll be showing you continuous repeats of Speed Racer and Samurai Pizza Cats... Greg AND Uncle Fester: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! ########## [*click*] ########## ########## [*click*] ########## ########## [*click*] ########## ########## [*click*] ########## ########## [*click*] ########## ########## [*click*] ########## ########## [*off*] ########## Greg: [Gasping for breath] That was... Uncle Fester: [Equally winded] ...unbelievable, laddie. Greg: What now? Uncle Fester: [Getting up and tossing the remote back on the sofa.] I think I'll go write another chapter in my Nabiki series (Available at better web sites everywhere) [Pulls out laptop]. Greg: [Unplugging the TV.] I think I'll check my E-mail. I wrote some silly thing about the Japanese taking over all our cable systems and old TV shows and posted it to the fanfic mailing list. I wonder if anyone read it.