Ranma and Me
        (The Life and Times of Ranma's cousin, Ito Takahashi)
                       as told to Uncle Fester


                      Part 1 - The Early Years


     First of all, let me set the record straight; Ranma's mom is my
mother's step sister, so no sly remarks about him and me and his
little 'problem'.  Ok!?  I mean, ever since he's 'come out of the
pond', so to speak, he's taken a lot of hits; especially from those
trashy 'fanfic' writers out there (you know who you are).
     OK, he *does* sometimes dress like a girl.  But I happen to know
that he really doesn't enjoy it.  Even the leotards.  Don't ask how I
know; I just do.  So drop it.

     I first met Ranma and his folks at Aunt Rumiko's graduation party
down in Yokohama.  She had successfully negotiated the rough Japanese
school system, graduating somewhere in the middle of her college class
and was trying to figure out just what she was going to do now that
she had her degree.  She kept talking about drawing cartoons or
something; you know, manga.  We all, of course, laughed.  No money in
it.
     Uncle Miyaki kept making fool remarks about her being the best
educated 'office lady' in Japan.  Of course, *he* should talk.  His
education ended with high school.  I mean, the guy works on the
assembly line at Yokohama Tires, for crying out loud.  So what would
he know about 'office ladies' anyway?  Still, I think he deserved the
sharp 'whack' he received from mom when he pinched Aunt Rumiko's
shapely little bottom and said she needed to get used to such handling
if she was going to work as an OL.
     I remember going out back to play in Grandma's big back yard with
the other cousins.  We teased the girls and did the usual macho things
8 year old's do when left to their own devices.  The whole atmosphere
changed when the Saotomes arrived.  By the way they introduced him to
us, shoving him out the back door and slamming it shut behind him, I
got the impression we were to 'entertain' the little runt.  Ranma was
only 6 or 7 and quickly became a real pain in the ass for the rest of
us kids.  Let's face it, even at that age, the first thing we noticed
was, the guy had an enormous ego.  There wasn't anything he couldn't
do; or so he said.  Look, I like my family as much as the next guy,
but this little creep was beginning to piss me off.  Finally, some of
us cousins got tired of his bragging and called him on his claim that
he could cut down a tree with one blow.  I mean...come on, a tree?  
     Anyway, we led him over to a large oak and Cousin Kimiko (one of
the toughest girls I've ever met) challenged him to 'put up or shut
up'.
     You know, at that moment, I kinda felt a little sorry for the
squirt.  I mean, sure he talked big, but deep down, I got the feeling
he just wanted to be accepted.  I almost said something about maybe
starting him out on a small sapling when he opened his big mouth again
and said something to Kimiko like: "I'll knock down this tree when you
get to be cute."  We could've killed the little creep.  Just who did
he think he was?  Sure, Kimiko has a face that could stop a bullet
train, but that was no reason to insult her.  After all, she's family.
     So, instead of defending him, I just joined the rest of the
cousins as we stepped back, snickering and watched the fun.  
     Ranma approached the tree and felt all around its surface. 
Cousin Hiro yelled something about 'chopping it down, not feeling it
up.'  Ranma just shot Hiro one of those spooky 'looks' of his and
returned examining the tree.  About 10 minutes later, most of the
other cousins got bored watching Ranma caress the tree's bark and
wandered back inside for some punch and Grandma Emiko's squid-on-a-stick. 
(Nobody makes squid-on-a-stick like Grandma Emiko; especially
the sweet glaze she used to put on the suckers.)  Anyway, with only
Hiro and myself remaining to watch the 'miracle', Ranma kicked his act
into high gear.  I had to admit, it *was* entertaining.  Waving his
arms, making faces, and spouting weird sayings he had us in stitches. 
I especially liked the part where he shimmied on his knees across the
yard to build his 'Ki power' or something.  He was better than Robin
Williams doing his 'Nanoo Nanoo' space man routine.  Hysterical. 
Finally, he figured he had put it off long enough (I guess the looks
on our faces told him we were fed up with all the stalling).  Running
up to the two foot thick tree trunk, he yelled something goofy and
punched the tree.  Yeah, he actually punched the damn thing like a
drunk prize fighter.
     The reaction was priceless.  He immediately began bounding around
the back yard, holding his hand and screaming: "Owie owie owie!"  We
were on the ground rolling with laughter.  I mean, the schmuck
actually tried to punch down an oak tree.  Really weird.
     Anyhow, the last time we saw him that day, his mother was
bandaging his hand while his father was making one of his goofy
speeches about 'trained martial artists' and the like.  At least we
found out where the kid gets it from.

     That brings me to his parents.  Now I'd never say anything bad
about another kids parents or nothin, but I have to admit; this pair
is strange.  Nobody knows what his pop does for a living.  He seems to
travel a lot.  Some of us think he's a traveling salesman or
something.  Cousin Kimiko once suggested he's a closet Christian
missionary, touring the country holding tent revival meetings.  The
rest of us quickly dismissed that option because, while he's as poor
as a missionary, he doesn't have any of the trappings of a religious
person.  Besides, he's always dressed in the same 'well worn' martial
arts uniform.  I mean, the guy *never* changes out of it.  The joke in
our family is never get yourself downwind of Genma at a picnic; phew! 
     I think it's more likely that he's some kind of martial arts
freak.  I found out recently that while he was traveling, he was
collecting every crackpot martial arts technique he can get his hands
on.  I once heard he called his 'martial arts' method Anything Goes
Martial Arts.  Hey! Even the name sounds goofy.  However, this could
explain Ranma.
     Anyway, how he provides for his family is beyond me.  If the rest
of the family didn't chip in once in awhile, the Saotome's would
probably starve.  Sure, Aunt Nodoka has some kind of dowry or
inheritance or something, but I hear it's pretty small; certainly not
enough to keep a family going on its own.
     Speaking of Ranma's mother, she's another work of art.  She's
okay looking, I guess, and always treated me alright, but she seems to
dote on her only son far beyond what's necessary.  I mean, she was
still breast-feeding him when he was 5.  By the time he was weaned,
she started carrying around some silly looking sword wrapped in a
blanket like a baby.  She even talked to it and everything.  Mom says
I shouldn't be so judgmental but even she has to agree, her sister's a
little off her nut.  I guess being married to Uncle Genma can do that
to you.  That could also explain why they only have one kid.
     By the way, I know all the rumors about Ranma and his mysterious
parentage.  Let me make one thing clear; we're sure Aunt Nodoka is his
real mom.  No question about it.  It's his dad we're not so sure
about.  To hear Uncle Ichirou tell it, Uncle Genma was on one of his
'famous' martial arts scouting expeditions down in Okinawa when Aunt
Nodoka was supposed to have gotten pregnant.  When she announced the
'due date', everyone in the family started counting backwards and came
to the same conclusion.  Unless she found a way to have a kid in less
than six months, Uncle Genma could *not* have been the father.  I
donno, maybe he mailed in his contribution.  Like I said, a weird
family.
     Still, rumors persisted.  Grandma Emiko kept insisting that the
father was some mysterious man down in Tokyo who trained with Uncle
Genma many years ago.  Most of us dismissed such thoughts.  I mean,
it's Aunt Nodoka we're talking about here.  Sure, she took frequent
trips down to Tokyo while Uncle Genma was away.  Okay, she tended to
stay overnight a lot.  Yes, she sometimes stopped by our place to
borrow some of mom's underwear on her way home, claiming she 'lost'
hers somewhere along the way.  But all that doesn't prove a thing. 
She may be a little 'crazy' but I doubt even *she* would 'do it' with
her husband's best friend.

     Ranma was always ultra competitive.  I suspect it's because he's
an only child.  Anyway, he's always trying to 'one up' everyone at
nearly everything.  Excluding the oak tree incident, at every family
gathering, we had to listen while he crowed about how he was always
the best or the first at one thing or another.  He was the first to be
potty trained, to walk, to talk, to have traveled outside the
prefecture, to have stopped taking baths with his mother.  Sheesh! To
listen to him, the guy had been everywhere and done everything.  We
cousins pretty much just blew him off with knowing smiles.  He may
have been a little creep, but he was family and we had to put up with
him.
     Every family gathering, the Saotome's would show up.  We all
figured it wasn't so much to see the rest of the family but rather for
the free food.  I mean, they *never* seemed to bring anything edible. 
(Ok, they once brought some cold okonomiyaki, but I heard they got it
from a yatai Uncle Genma somehow came into possession of.)
     Ranma had begun taking martial arts lessons from his father and
actually started getting pretty good.  Good enough for the rest of us
to be a little more careful about teasing him.  He had a short fuse
for a trained martial artist.  Like the time when Cousin Hiro was
teasing him out in the back yard about his new 'pig tail'.  Somehow,
Hiro said the wrong thing and 'Pow' Ranma launched him right into my
strange sister's second floor bedroom.  Neat trick considering Hiro
was a little on the 'sumo' side, if you know what I mean.
     A side note to all this is that Hiro was able to confirm all our
suspicions about my sister and Cousin Kimiko.  (The less said about
that, the better.)
     The worst fight I ever got into with Ranma was when we were
playing tag in our back yard one summer.  All us cousins agreed to
stay within the boundaries of our back yard.  Everything went well
until Ranma decided to 'change the rules' and began bounding over
everyone's heads using some new martial arts technique he had learned. 
I mean, the guy was bouncing like a grasshopper six or ten feet over
everybody's head.  It really wasn't fair to the rest of us earthbound
players and I told him so.  I guess I shouldn't have used the term
'grasshopper'.  I got it from that stupid TV show 'Kung Fu' they
started showing locally.  Anyway, Ranma must have seen the same show
because he got really pissed and the two of us actually came to blows. 
Now I've taken a little martial arts training myself but, more
importantly, I knew what Ranma's weak point was; his temper.  I knew
that if I got him mad enough, his training would get forgotten in his
desire to 'get at me' and I'd hold the advantage.  Sure enough, after
only a few names, he cracked and the fight was on.  Once I got in
close to him, the rest was easy.  By the time we were pulled apart, he
had a black eye and a split lip.  I had a little blood from my nose
but no big deal.  Mom made me apologize to him before they left.  He
didn't seem to hold a grudge but, as I was leaving, I heard his pop
say: "You lost a fight to *him*?"  What a creep.

     The last time I saw Cousin Ranma, was when he was about 10 years
old.  His family had stopped by our little home up in Iwia City, just
north of Tokyo.  As usual, they were hard up and hungry.  Dad was a
traveling noodle salesman then and, over the last year or so, kept
slipping 'free samples' to the Saotome's so they wouldn't starve.  I
know Aunt Nodoka appreciated the help, but got the feeling that Uncle
Genma just thought it was something we owed him because he was
'family'.  
     I was playing out back with a few friends, when Ranma tried to
join in.  Now my friends are usually a pretty easy going lot, but were
immediately turned off by my macho cousin's bragging about his
exploits.  I had to do some quick talking to square things with the
guys so they'd let the little pain-in-the-ass stay.  
     We were playing Janken, sort of a rock-scissors-paper type game,
where you keep score.  Naturally, Ranma wanted to prove he was better
than the rest of us.  So, reluctantly, we allowed him to join in (that
Japanese good host crap and all).  Anyway, he was doing okay, nothing
spectacular, mind you, but seemed to be holding his own as the scores
mounted.  Now, the reason I bring this up, is to point out Ranma's no
Einstein.  I mean, the kid is totally pattern driven.  He seems to get
his mind stuck in a pattern and stubbornly stays there no matter
what's going on around him.
     Anyway, My friends and I had become experts at detecting patterns
and countering them in Janken, so poor Ranma quickly fell into our
unintentional trap.  We looked at each other at the first realization
of Ranma's simple pattern and rolled our eyes.  We couldn't believe
how easy he was.
     On the next play, we all threw and it came up three rocks and a
scissors.  Guess who had the scissors.  Ranma took this pretty well,
considering we had all skunked him at the same time, but I could tell
it had an impact by the way his face twitched.
     Another play and the throw was three papers and a rock.  Again,
Ranma was the loser.  I should've noticed the warning signals about
his impending explosion (the veins on his forehead stuck out and he
began to sweat), but we were too far gone to stop now.  One more play
and he would be 'out'.  The little Nimrod was going to finally get
whumped at something.
     The last play was three scissors and a paper.  Actually, we were
lucky he gave us some advance warning before 'going off'.  His eyes
screwed shut, his body began to tremble, and he made a strange
growling sound; kinda like a cat before it goes wacko.  Seconds after
we ducked under my back porch, Ranma went into his 'Warner Brothers
Tasmanian Devil' routine.  I mean, the guy went berserk, arms and legs
whipping around everywhere while he started yelling crazy things and
attacking anything and everything in sight.  When it was all over,
Ranma had knocked over all the trash cans in our back yard, destroyed
mom's garden, wrecked Mr. Watanabe's new porch, and totally destroyed
old Mrs. Yamamoto's outhouse (luckily she wasn't inside at the time). 
I think that's when his pop decided to take him on the road.  At least
it got him out of town.

     This brings up the question of school.  School was never one of
Ranma's strong suits.  He was *always* a discipline problem.  And in a
country that prides itself on discipline, Ranma was definitely 'the
nail sticking up'.  Some tried to pass off his behavior as 'attention
deficit disorder', or something.  Mom just said he had too much sugar
in his diet.  In any case, I thought a good dose of prozac would've
done him a world of good.  
     His teachers had other ideas.  After a short meeting, they
suggested a large cage in the back of the room.  Too bad the school
board nixed the plan.  It could've been fun.  Anyway, his pop came up
with another of his crazy plans to solve the problem; removing Ranma
from school and traveling around the country playing martial artist. 
Neat trick.  The only time I ever envied the little creep was the day
he left school and headed out for the sticks.  At least he didn't have
to face that biology test on Friday.
     One positive thing came out of all this.  Aunt Nodoka waited a
few months, until the savings account ran out, before setting out with
her sword, hunting for her husband.  She wrote mom that she was going
to 'turn the worthless creep into a gelding', or something like that. 
Actually, the whole family is rooting for Aunt Nodoka. 

     Gotta go now, pop got a new job and we're moving today.  I'm
gonna miss the old neighborhood.  Sure had some good times here.  But,
not everything about the move's bad.  At least, that idiot Ranma won't
find me down in Nerima.