WARNING! This little piece contains profanity, naughty references, and just about everything your parents warned you about. However, it's typical of what you'd find on a Hollywood movie set. P.S. If you like the Ranma characters the way they are, DON'T read this. This could seriously affect how you see these characters in the future. Just another Day on the Set By Uncle Fester Sound Stage 4 on the back lot of a small Japanese film studio was a beehive of activity at 6 am. Construction workers, set dressers, lighting technicians, sound techs, and assistant to the assistant directors were all busy preparing for the day's shoot. Over in a far corner, around a large table heaped with pastries, the film's stars were preparing. "I can't fucking believe it!" Akane Hidaka said throwing down her revised-revised script. "I'm supposed to do 'WHAT' to Kuno?!?" "Awww, jeez, Akane. You made me spill my coffee." Ranma Yamaguchi whined as he shook off the remnants of his morning caffeine fix. "You know how rewrites go. They take a script that already sucks and make it worse." "Easy for you to say, Mr. jump-around-screaming-and-kicking," Akane bit into another Danish. "I wonder if your fans know you use a stunt double for all those action scenes." "Hey, I do some of my own stunts." Ranma shot back. "Like the time I had to fall down in the shower with Shampoo. Now *that* was acting." "A single fall in a shower with a girl does *not* constitute a stunt." "It does if you do it with Shampoo and want to keep your PG-13 rating." Ranma countered with a wry grin. "By the way, where is that bimbo anyway. She's first on the shooting schedule this morning." Akane asked looking around. Shampoo Sakuma, smoking a cigarette and looking like something that had spent the last 12 hours entertaining the crew of the USS Nimitz, had, indeed, arrived. She waddled in; a small barrel bag over her shoulder and two, rather young looking male 'assistants', in tow. "Rough night, sweetie?" Akane asked with a fake pout. Shampoo just shot Akane a lethal look and continued towards the makeup trailers. "Well, there goes this morning's shooting schedule." Ranma said with a sigh. "She'll be in makeup all morning trying to get those bags out from under her eyes. She looks like a damn raccoon." "And screws like a rabbit." Akane said under her breath. Further discussion of Shampoo was interrupted by a commotion over at the makeup trailers. "Bernie!!! Bernie, you son-of-a-bitch!" It was Kasumi; hopping mad and being trailed by two makeup people and a hairdresser. "Aww, geeez. Not Queen Kasumi again." Ranma mumbled trying to hide his face. "God dammit, Bernie, get this woman away from me." Kasumi gestured towards the frightened hairdresser. "I am an professional, dammit. I don't have to put up with this kind of crap!" "Kasumi, baby. What's the problem?" Bernie, the third assistant director said, trying to calm down one of his stars. "What's the problem?!? Just look at me, you idiot. This bitch has my bangs all wrong and the damn pony tail over the wrong shoulder!" Kasumi screamed, ripping off the fake pony tail and throwing it at the hairdresser. "I *don't* have to take this, you know. I've had other offers." "I doubt that Dinner Theater in Kansas City counts as a real offer." Akane mumbled just loud enough for Ranma to hear. The two snickered. "Relax, sweetie. I'll get you someone who knows what she's doing." Bernie said with a total lack of expression. Turning to the hairdresser: "You. You're fired. Get out." The hairdresser broke into tears and ran from the sound stage. Kasumi, with a self satisfied look, strutted back to the makeup trailer to finish preparing for her day's shooting. "One a day," Ranma observed while looking at his coffee cup. "Yup, that's three in as many days, she's nailed." Akane agreed. Just off the main set, Genma in a giant panda costume was talking to the first assistant director. "Now, tell me, just what is my motivation in this scene?" the 'panda' asked. "God damned method actors." muttered the assistant director. "There is no motivation, you schmuck!" he finally yelled at the overweight, overaged, balding has-been Asian actor. "You're a god damned panda, for crying out loud! All you have to do is eat, shit, and look goofy! Do you think you can handle that?!?" Genma stared blankly at the hyperventilating assistant director for a few moments. "Yes, but what's my motivation?" The assistant director just slapped his forehead and muttered: "Schmuck!" as he walked away. Bounding out of a makeup trailer, Ryoga made his entrance. Along with his typical black and yellow outfit, he was sporting a makeshift black cape. Alternating between covering his face and flashing his fake fangs at the girls, he pranced around the sound stage. "Oh God!" Akane said hiding her face. "Look what's coming; the gay ghoul." Ryoga sprinted up to his fellow actors and, dramatically sweeping his cape aside, went for a pretend bite of Ranma's neck. "Back off, Tinker Bell!" Ranma warned without even looking. "Ooooo. Did someone get up on the wrong side Kodachi?" Ryoga pouted back at a fuming Ranma. It was true. Ryoga knew all the dirt on everyone. "That's a rumor started by those damned tabloids, and you know it." Ranma bristled. It was true that he and Kodachi had been doing the *horizontal hula* for the last two weeks but the way the tabloids made it sound, he was breaking up Kodachi's marriage in the process. It's not her fault her creepy husband, Tofu, filed for divorce. Between his drinking and occasional drug use, no one was surprised to hear how he was beating the crap out of her in the evenings. Since the separation, Ranma was just being a friend;...a 'good' friend. "Touch a nervie wervie, Ranma sweetie." Ryoga cooed and pursed his lips as if to give Ranma a kiss. "Put a sock in it, you fairy!" Ranma growled. For some reason Akane thought the whole thing was hysterical and kept turning away laughing. She always knew about Ryoga, having come up through the business with him. Heck, she even dated him once or twice before her agent suggested it wouldn't be good for her career unless she planned on moving to Hollywood. Still, watching him needle Ranma made it worth getting up early. Ryoga figured he wasn't going to get many laughs with this group and moved on, attacking script girls, electricians, and anyone else that caught his eye. "Creep." Ranma muttered, shaking his head as he watched the phoney vampire flit from person to person. "He seems to be taking the breakup with Mikado well." "Yeah, but I heard that the breakup caused Mikado to check in at the Betty Ford Clinic for depression." Akane replied snagging another Danish. "Ah ... Akane." came a tiny voice at her side. "Could I ask you about this morning's script?" It was Nabiki Takayama, former Miss Kure and part time idol singer. Nervously looking at the floor and acting apologetic about interrupting her screen idol, Nabiki held her script copy in trembling hands. She had been pushed into this business by her mother who was convinced that her daughter could be the biggest star in Japan, if only she could get the right break. Nabiki began her career as a pre-teen model and idol singer before jumping to television commercials. All went well until she got her first movie part; a cave girl in some low budget sexploitation production where she had to run topless across the screen pursued by a guy in a rubber monster suit. The problem was, she just didn't have the proper... foundation for such a part. The critics panned her, the offers dried up and she had a nervous breakdown. Playing 'Nabiki Tendo' on the 'Ranma 1/2' TV series helped her recover her sanity and her career. To her mother, the Ranma movies were going to be that big break she dreamed of. "Sure toots." Akane replied digging a bit of roll out of her heavily capped teeth with the nail of her pinky finger. She kinda liked the older girl. Oh, heck, let's just admit it; she had the hots for Nabiki. Tall, thin and with a sexy little body, Akane had dreamed of the possibilities, if she could just gain the girl's trust. "It says right here," Nabiki began, nervously pointing to a line in the script she was holding. "I'm supposed to pour water on Ranma. Am I supposed to set the camera down *before* pouring the water or should I try to hold the camera while pouring?" She looked so sweet and innocent begging for help. "Well," Akane put her arm around the girl's shoulders and drew her close. Ranma just looked away and whistled silently. "You have to put the bucket down before shooting the pictures, so I'd say lay the camera on the floor first, so you have something in your hand when you stand up." She looked sweetly at Nabiki. Ranma gobbled a little more of his coffee and cast a wary glance at the steamy pair. "Thanks, Akane." the older girl said softly. It was evident she was blushing. "I really respect your acting experience." "We can talk more about acting over lunch, if you'd like." Akane was a spider baiting her web. "Well, mother was planning on meeting me for lunch today." Nabiki said shyly. "But if I can get some 'pointers' from a professional like you, I'm sure she wouldn't mind." Ranma choked on his coffee and Akane shot him a warning look. "Fine. We'll have lunch in my trailer and talk all about... acting." Akane said sweetly as she softly stroked the older girl's cheek. That must have made Nabiki nervous as she suddenly said: "I...I have to go study my lines now." And quickly slipped away. "Another notch for the AC/DC queen?" Ranma chided as he picked up his own script. "Maybe." Akane replied before cleaning her front teeth with her tongue. "But she seems a bit too skitterish for a first ride. Maybe something in the evening would be more... appropriate." "Yeah, well, just be careful. I remember your last big 'conquest'. Linlin and Ranran almost landed you in Jail-jail." Ranma was scanning the sound stage for someone. "Hey! They said they were over the age of consent." Akane protested. "You know I have a weakness for young stuff." "Akane, you have a weakness for *all* stuff." Ranma soon spotted who he was looking for. "Yo, T-man! Over here." He yelled at Tatewaki 'Kuno' Suzuoki. "Hey, Ranma." Kuno flashed the smile that made him a modeling legend as he easily slalomed his way through the stage-hand obstacle course. Dressed in fashionable slacks and knit shirt, he looked more like a successful dentist than an actor. "We still on for tennis this afternoon?" "You better believe it, buddy. Where's the kids today?" Ranma made an exaggerated look around his best friend like he was looking for someone. "Ah, the wife took them to that Disney park again." He laughed. "They just don't seem to get enough of that place." He slid up to Akane. "Morning beautiful." He bent over to give Akane a peck on the cheek. In spite of all they had been through, she still had a soft spot for the tall male-model-turned-actor. The two had tried to have a relationship back when the TV series started but failed because of her checkerboard background and rumors published by the relentless tabloids. The part about the abortion didn't help either. "Morning to you, white bread," she chuckled. In many ways, she envied her former heart throb and his stable home life. "How long have you and Azusa been married? Eight years?" "Nine this June. Little Charlotte will be 7 next month." Kuno laughed. "Hey, that's great." Ranma slapped Kuno's shoulder. "She want anything special for her birthday?" "Awww, you know kids. They want anything and everything." They all shared a vanilla laugh. "By the way, I hear old Soun's gonna direct this one." Akane and Ranma both rolled their eyes. Soun Wiseman used the old 'If I don't get to direct at least one of these movies, I'm walking.' routine back when he was negotiating his current contract. No one could understand how a guy who's only real acting talent is being able to cry on cue could get such a clause in his contract. In any case, this latest addition to the 'Ranma 1/2' movie series would be directed by a certain 'Soun Wiseman'. As if on cue, Soun stormed onto the sound stage and all work seemed to wrap up with his arrival. Wearing knee boots over a pair of riding pants, a casual shirt with scarf tied around his neck and topped by a French beret, he looked like something out of a bad 1930's movie. The second assistant director called the first shot of the day and the various actors took their places. Ranma peeled off his robe to reveal his white sleeveless t-shirt and red striped jogging shorts. Yawning, he stretched out on the futon before settling into the position called for in the script. Nervously, Nabiki waited behind the sliding panel at the back of the set, trying to balance a bucket, a kettle, and a camera. A dresser made last minute adjustments to her school uniform skirt. Ranma's twin sister, Ranko, stood nervously just out of the shot as a hairdresser fussed over her red wig. She would be the 'transformed' Ranma after the water was poured onto her brother's body and considered herself lucky to get this part. Her last job was a bar room bimbo in a Project A-Ko movie. Such parts were just not good for a person's career. The twins started their entertainment careers together as kids, doing a little song and dance routine for conventions, veterans groups, and just about anyone else that would hire them. They were actually pretty good. But, the pair aged and were soon no longer cute together. So, they tried other things like a magic act (Ranma the magician with Ranko as his lovely assistant). That didn't work because Ranma proved to be all thumbs and Ranko, allergic to animal fur, would constantly sneeze through the 'pulling a rabbit out of a hat' trick. Later, they tried a little tumbling routine that was so bad it would have died in vaudeville. Finally, they did a stand up comedy act together and really hit the big time. Within three months of their first appearance, they were doing all the top comedy clubs in Japan and other parts of the Far East. Their TV guest appearances went well enough to catch the eye of a lady named Rumiko Takahashi who threw together a quick script based on a manga series of hers, sold it to Kitty Films and launched the pair to overnight stardom. The TV series went well enough to spawn a series of movies which helped make the pair rich as well as famous. Soun yelled 'Action' and Nabiki slowly slid open the door. She had done this scene before in the TV series, so had no excuse for lousing it up this time. Maybe it was Akane's proposition or the pressure of trying to please mother, but the girl suddenly tripped on one of the mats, falling forward and planting her 34C's directly over Ranma's face (much to his delight). Water from her bucket went everywhere, especially over the soundman and his control board. The resulting electrical short circuit set off the overhead sprinklers, drenching everyone on the sound stage. Ukyou was late for work. She impatiently waited for the red light outside the studio door to go out so she could sneak in and hide in the makeup trailer before anyone noticed her tardiness. A bell announced the end of the shot and the red light abruptly went dark. Relieved, Ukyou yanked open the door to an odd sight. All over the sound stage there were wet animals of every description, some still climbing (or wiggling) out of their clothes. Actors, stage hands, assistant directors, *everyone* had been affected by the water. Cautiously, Ukyou backed out and thought: "Well, *this* is going to put the shooting schedule a little behind. I told them not to shoot on location last week in Jusenkyou. [sigh] Guess I better go find some hot water." She was about to close the door, when a thought struck her. With an evil grin, Ukyou reached inside, flipped on the red light again and quietly closed the door. So long as the red light was on, no one would dare open the sound stage door... no matter how long it took. "I needed a vacation." she happily said to herself as she ambled towards her Mercedes. By the time anyone looks in there, I'll be on the beach in Hawaii."