Silly Emails

Homeschooling: Department of Silly Emails

On this page:
General
Military
Winter Holidays

Résumé Bloopers
Stork Story
This Page Cannot Be Displayed
CONVERSION TABLE
PICTURE OF GOD
PHILOSOPHY FINAL
OLD DINOSAUR
NEW PRIEST
Groaners Revisited
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
HAWK, LION AND STINKER
A LESSON IN POSTING
STRONG MAN EGO
MOTHER WITH THE FLU
You Live in . .
EDUCATION RESEARCH
GUY IN A BAR
Dogs in Elk
BIBLICAL HUMOR
THUNDERSTORM FEAR
ORDERING A TAKEOUT
CHOCOLATE IS A VEGETABLE
TRUISMS COED DIALECTS DEAR CATS FLIGHT STUDENT TIPS

Résumé Bloopers

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:

~ "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

~ "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

~ "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

~ "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

~ "I am a rabid typist."

~ "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

~ "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

~ "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

~ "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

~ "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

~ "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

~ "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

~ "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

~ "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."

~ "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

~ "Qualifications: No education or experience."

~ "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

~ "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

~ "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

~ Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

Stork Story

One day, a very young Cyrus asked his father: "Daddy, how was I born?" "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway," his father replied. "Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room online. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: 'You have Male'!"

CONVERSION TABLE
----------------

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
----- Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
----- Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash:
----- 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
----- 1bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God:
----- 1 billigram

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
----- 1 Rod Serling

1000 aches:
-----1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis:
----- 1 hoarsepower

453.6 graham crackers:
----- 1 pound cake

1 million bicycles:
----- 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds:
----- two kilomockingbirds

10 cards:
----- 1 decacards

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks:
----- 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish:
----- 1 microfiche

2 monograms:
----- 1 diagram

8 nickels:
----- 2 paradigms

3 miles of surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:
----- 1 I.V. League

Shortest distance between two jokes:
----- A straight line

PICTURE OF GOD
--------------

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they drew. She would occasionally walk
around to see each child's work. As she got to one little
girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing
was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God
looks like."

With no hesitation, or looking up from her drawing, the
girl replied, "They will in a minute."

PHILOSOPHY FINAL
----------------

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

"What chair?"

OLD DINOSAUR
------------

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor, "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".

"Where did you get this exact information?"

"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is billion years old."

NEW PRIEST
----------

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No kidding! What happened next?'"

GROANERS RE-VISITED
-------------------

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long? Polaroids.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES
------------------

In a restroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In another office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

And those who fall for it . . .

HAWK, LION AND STINKER

A LESSON IN POSTING
-------------------

Q:
How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

A:
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and light bulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's"

2 to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker whose account is set to 'no mail' to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

STRONG MAN EGO -------------- The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."

MOTHER WITH THE FLU
-------------------

Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her well-meaning husband.

Monday A.M.

My Dearest:
Please sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: finger-sandwiches and fruit cup. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around 6:00. Hope you're feeling better.

Tuesday A.M.

Honey:
Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. I tried to catch it. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in their Thermos bottles? Apparently not a good idea. The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.

Dear Doris:
Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely place to find Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the frig. Am trying to find out what smells in the kitchen. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meat packing house.

Thursday A.M

Doris:
Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P..M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal? I thought it was automatic.. Guess not.
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?
I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.

Hey:
Don't drink from pitcher by the sink! Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

This email was sent to me by a Brat Alumna from the former-Kindley High School in Bermuda. As Brats we're not poking fun at various parts of the country, we're remembering places we've lived. I know how to eat an artichoke, know where The City is, have visited Maine, have been told "You aren't from around here, are you," have indeed switched from heat to AC in one day, and know 'dry heat.' I'll pass on Colorado and Florida.

You Live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
   Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
   Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
   makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
   construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,
   Mary Beth, etc.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at
   the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
   different!"

You live in Florida when....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

You live in Arizona when
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the
   steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your bottom from the hot water in the
   toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture
   lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when
    you open your oven door.

EDUCATION RESEARCH
------------------

The phaomnneil pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig!

GUY IN A BAR
------------

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you, buddy, but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

I have had the company of a basenji. Every time I read this episode I have to find a tissue to wipe away the tears of laughter. Our little boy, Foxy, never got into an elk, but he had numerous other adventures. And yes, they can run. Dogs in Elk

BIBLICAL HUMOR
--------------

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call Pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

Q. What kinds of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought down the house.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your Mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan.The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who was the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

THUNDERSTORM FEAR ----------------- One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."

ORDERING A TAKEOUT ------------------ Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Shopperooni.* May I have your order?" Customer: "Hello, can I order a....." Operator : ".....can I have your multipurpose card number first, sir?" Customer: "It's uh...hold on....6102049998-45-54610." Operator : "OK...you're Mr. Sheehan and you're calling from 17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is 494-2366, your office 745-2302 and your mobile is 266-2566. Would you like to have the delivery made to 17 Meadow Drive? Customer: "Yes, but how did you get all my phone numbers?" Operator : "We are connected to the system, sir." Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza?" Operator : "That's not a good idea, sir." Customer: "How come?" Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and an even higher cholesterol level, sir." Customer: "What? What do you recommend then?" Operator : "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. You'll like it!" Customer: "How do you know for sure?" Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last week, sir." Customer: "OK, I give up...give me three family ones then, how much will that cost?" Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, sir. The total is $49.99." Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?" Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you've owed your bank $3720.55 since October last year. And that's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, sir." Customer: "I guess I'll run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives." Operator : "You can't do that, sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today." Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?" Operator : "About 45 minutes, sir, but if you can't wait, you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..." Customer: " What the.....?" Operator : "According to the details in our system, you own a Harley... registration number E1123..." Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!" Operator : "Better watch your language, sir. Remember on July 15, 1987, you were convicted of using abusive language to a policeman?" Customer: (Speechless) Operator : "Is there anything else, sir?" Customer: "Nothing...by the way...are you giving me the three free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?" Operator : "We normally would, sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic." Customer: (CLICK)

* It took multiple searches to find a pizza-shop name that didn't get any hits. The original joke was received with a well-known name and I do not intend to point greasy fingers, cross forks or get into a burping match with any pizza restaurant. To the best of my knowledge there is no store called Pizza Shopperooni. If there is, please let me know and I'll change the name in the joke, again.

CHOCOLATE IS A VEGETABLE ------------------------ Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS. Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

TRUISMS ------- The eyes are the 2nd to go...I forget the first... Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle. A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich." They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them. Is it possible to be totally partial? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

COED DIALECTS ------------- A southern football player was visiting a relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. To start up the conversation he asked, "Where do ya'll go ta'school?" "Yale," she replied. The student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO YA'LL GO TA'SCHOOL!?"

DEAR CATS --------- Dear Cats: We need to talk. When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two cats in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but feline sarcasm. My compact discs are not toys for you and your friends to play with. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years and I know that feline attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other cat's bottom. I cannot stress this enough. It should be such a simple change for you. Sincerely, I just live here.

FLIGHT STUDENT TIPS ------------------- Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are however, no old, bold pilots. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made. The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

Military

NEW OATHS OF ENLISTMENT
RANK RECOGNITION
HOW TO PREPARE FOR A DEPLOYMENT TO IRAQ/AFGHANISTAN/MIDDLE EAST
NAVY SEAL EXPLOITS
USEFUL MILITARY WARNINGS
MILITARY TERMINOLOGY

New Oaths of Enlistment

RANK RECOGNITION
----------------

General

Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Colonel

Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Lieutenant-Colonel

Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least
three working days in advance.

Major

Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Captain

Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.

Lieutenant

Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and
water wings.
Talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant

Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Stutters.

Officer Cadet

Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even
be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are
right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant-Major

Catches hyper sonic armor-piercing fin stabilized discarding sabot
depleted uranium long-rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
Is God.

HOW TO PREPARE FOR A DEPLOYMENT TO IRAQ/AFGHANISTAN/MIDDLE EAST

Things to do for a smooth transition, once when you find out you're
deploying:

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave 2 to 3 sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to have gas, "just in case." Every time.
23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry it's for the other Smith."
24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
31. Fire off 50 Cherry Bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 AM. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
33. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come inside.
34. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the back yard. Complain that the 4 x 4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
35. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
36. When your 5-year old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
37. Play horseshoes when you are not working.

NAVY SEAL EXPLOITS
------------------

Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL. Case in point: My grandson's pre-K class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military.

After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.

"So," asked one little girl, "can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"

USEFUL MILITARY WARNINGS

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop

MILITARY TERMINOLOGY -------------------- One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Winter Holidays

MERRY CHRISTMAS LEGALLY
NATIVITY INTERPRETATION HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
POLITICALLY CORRECT 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS LEGALLY ----------------------- Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. In addition, please also accept our best wishes for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country great (not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any other country or area of choice), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual orientation of the wishers. This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof). Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wisher her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of it. This greeting is void where prohibited by law. But, Merry Christmas anyway!

NATIVITY INTERPRETATION ----------------------- After hearing the Christmas story and singing "Silent Night", a Sunday School Class in Sao Paulo, Brazil was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like. One little fellow did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the baby Jesus, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked St. Nick into the scene asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."

[note: This cute story may be apocryphal as Portuguese is spoken in Brazil and I don't know that "Round John Virgin" would be the translation from Silent Night's original German into Portuguese. Or maybe this story is from an English-speaking expatriate community? Still, it illustrates how children hear things.

Ms. Nit-Picky
(who may overanalyze just a tad) ]

Holiday Eating Tips
-------------------

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls!

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Pecan. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

POLITICALLY CORRECT 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS --------------------------------------- On the 12th day of the eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18 member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, THREE deconstructionist poets, TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

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