Homer:  No TV and no beer make homer... something something.
Marge:  Go crazy?
Homer:  Don't mind if I do!!!
 

"Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of  them incompetent boobs.  I know this because I've worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again and I say this stinks."
 

"Around the house, I never lift a finger
As husband and father I'm sub-par
I'd rather drink a beer
than win Father of the Year
I'm happy with things the way they are."
 

"Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time.  Like that day I hit that referee with a whiskey bottle.  'Member that?"
 

"To alcohol!  The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems."
 

"Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat.  It also gives me the right -- no, the duty -- to make a complete ass of myself."
 

"Ah, sweet pity:  where would my love life have been without it?"
 

"Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world."
 

"It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever."
 

"Marge, you being a cop makes you the man!  Which makes me the woman -- and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."
 

"Stealing?! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?"
 

Abe:  I used to be "with it."  But then they changed what "it" was.  Now what I'm "with" isn't "it" and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.  It'll happen to you.
Homer:  No way, man.  We're gonna keep on rockin' forever!
 

TV Announcer:  The following is a public service announcement:  Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer:  Mmmm....  beer.
 

"Marge, please, old people don't need companionship.  They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
 

Woman:  Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and -- Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer:  I have misplaced my pants.
 

Burns:  Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club!  The sand wedge!
Homer:  Mmm... open-faced club sandwich.
 

"That's fine for you Marge.  But I used to rock and roll all night and party every day.  Then it was every other day.  Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.  I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove!"
 

"Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad.  But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex."
 

"Dammit, I'm no supervising technician.  I'm a technical supervisor.  It's too late to teach this old dog new tricks."
 

Homer:  Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully:  Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer:  We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard.  Ya happy?
 

Homer:  Is this episode going to air live?
June Bellamy:  No, Homer.  Very few cartoons are broadcast live -- it's a terrible strain on the animator's wrists.
 

"I've heard 'em all.  'I like you as a freind,' 'I think we should see other people,' 'I no speak English,' 'I'm married to the sea,' 'I don't want to kill you, but I will...' "
 

"It's your child versus mine!  The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore."
 

"Ah, so that's what's been wrong with the little fella.  He misses casual sex."
 

Homer:  I suppose you want to probe me.  Well, you might as well get it over with.
Kang:    Stop!  We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us
 

"Where is Bart anyway, his dinner is getting all cold and eaten."
 

"Look, Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband, I'm sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub, I'm sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car, and I'm sorry -- oh well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point."
 

"Television -- teacher, mother, secret lover!"
 

"It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before, and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye--aha.  What I mean to say is: We'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie.  I promise."
 

"I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49.  Everyone listens to me!  No matter how dumb my suggestions are."
 

"Oh, everything's cruel according to you.  Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel.  Pulling on his tail is cruel.  Yelling in his ears is cruel.  Everything is cruel.  So excuse me if I'm cruel."
 

Homer:  Marge, it's 3 a.m. and I worked all day!
Marge:  It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool.
 

"But let me tell you, the slim lazy Homer you knew is dead.  Now I'm a big fat dynamo."
 

"You heard me.  I won't be in for the rest of the week... I told you.  My baby beat me up... Oh, it's not the worst excuse I ever thought up."
 

"The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes... Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty -- that was our planet!!  You maniacs!  You blew it up!  Damn you!  Damn you all to hell!"
 

Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders... my friend!
Lenny: What'd he say?
Carl: I dunno.  Somthin' about being gay.
 

"Well let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y.  So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'"
 

"Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2% and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come."
 

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer."
 

Bart:  Why the hose Homer?
Homer:  What does it look like?  I'll get our letter so wet the ink will run and no one will be able to read it.
Bart:  Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there?
Homer:  So a few people won't get a few letters, boo hoo.  You know the kind of letters people write!  Dear somebody you never heard of, how is so and so?  Blah blah blah blah blah.  Your's truly, Some Bozo.  Big Loss!!
 

Lisa:  Boy, Mom sure will be happy you won 50 dollars.
Homer:  You'd think that wouldn't you?  But you see, Lisa, your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong.  Even though they say it's ok in the Bible.
Lisa:  Really?  Where?
Homer:  Uhh... somewhere in the back.
 

"Oh Lisa, you and your stories.  Bart is a vampire.  Beer kills brain cells.  Now lets go back to that... building... thingy, where our bed and tv... is."
 

Homer:  Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time.  Just like that rain forest scare a few years back.  Our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
Lisa:  No, Dad, I don't think...
Homer:  There's that word again!
 

"Just blame it on the guy who doesn't speak English.  Ahh, Tibor, how many times you've saved my butt."
 

"Kids, let me tell you about another so-called 'wicked' guy.  He had long hair and some wild ideas and he didn't always do what other people thought was right.  And that man's name was.......  I forgot.  But the point is.......   I forgot.  Marge, you know who I'm talking about.  He used to drive that blue car."
 

Homer praying:  Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me.  As an offering, I present these milk and cookies.  If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done.  (munch munch munch)