e-Denn home page
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
On a famous TV game show A BLONDE contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied,
"Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.
The manager says no.
The bag boy goes, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager goes, "I'm sorry, but...baggers can't be juicers."
A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
A ghost went out haunting one night and met a fairy fluttering through the forest. "hello," said the ghost. "I've never met a fairy before. What's your name?"
"Nuff," said the fairy.
"That's a very odd name," said the ghost.
"No, it's not," said the fairy, offended, "haven't you heard of Fairy Nuff?"
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string.It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces
quickly after him, faster...faster ... BUMP ...
BUMP ... BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys,
opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him. However,
the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin
flapping... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... on the heels of the terrified
man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
...and...of...course,
...the coffin stops!
Return to Top
The scene was Mount Olympus, where
Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair
of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture,
and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone
overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and
turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance
with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he
went to steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled
Ceres was held with a double-header.
Return to Top
There once was a group of Friars living
on a mountain top, basically communing and doing the things that
Friars do. It was discovered that the soil around their monastery
was extraordinarily fertile, and many strange and amazingly wonderful
plants and flowers grew in the area. The Friars decided to cultivate
these plants and flowers and see what types of new plants they
could come up with.
Soon, people heard about all the wonderous plant life the Friars
were developing. They came from miles around to tour the Monastery
area. The Friars, who were very business minded for a group of
religious folk, decided to start charging the people money for
the seeds and tours.
After a while, they made such a tremendous profit that they decided
to drop religion all together and become very wealthy and materialistic,
which seemed to be more noble (not to mention a lot more fun).
The Pope heard about this, and as the owner of the land, decided
to send a priest out to talk the Friars back into their religious
life. When the priest arrived, the Friars responded badly to his
conversion attempts and slit the priest's throat. Needless to
say, the Pope was very upset at the news, and decided he'd have
to brings out the big guns.
The Pope decided to send Bishop Hue to settle the matter. Now
Bishop Hue was known to have a very bad temper. He went to see
the Friars, who tried to slit his throat, too. Bishop Hue defended
himself, slaying all the Friars, burning the monastery to the
ground, destroying all the plant life, and ruining the area for
many, many years to come.
MORAL: Only Hue can prevent Florist Friars.
Return to Top
A baby pigeon and his mother were going to fly south for the winter. Trying all types of logic, the mother pigeon is having a difficult time convincing her new baby that he too can fly. The baby pigeon cried, "I can't make it... I get too tired."
His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."
The baby started to cry. "What's wrong?" said the mother.
The baby said, "I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
During a recent visit to the United States, Bishop Tutu of South Africa visited some relatives in Tennessee.
Until then, nobody knew that he was a Chattanooga Tutu.
The story concerns a butcher who went into a pet shop.
It seems he fell in love with one the seagulls in the shop. Alas, he had no money to spend, but the shop owner agreed to give him the bird in exchange for some of his delicious German sausage.
The deal was made. It seems ... he took a tern for the wurst!
Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz.
Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem:
"Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!"
This is the story about a guy who loved to fish off the shores of the Gulf of Mexico near Galveston. He ran a gas station during the day and went surf fishing in the afternoon.
As much as he loved surf fishing, he had one disadvantage: he could not cast more than 10 yards to save his life. Nothing he tried worked. One day, after a particularly bad afternoon of short throws, he came to the end of the line and vowed to give up surf fishing. However, in the midst of his despair, he saw a vision on the, by now, deserted beach. Out of the Gulf depths and through the surf came an old woman carrying a load of heavy surf tackle directly toward him. She spoke to him in a rough yet kind voice, saying, "I have watched you for weeks now, and I am here to help. Let me teach you my way, and you will never again leave this beach frustrated."
He was stunned by this strange situation, but he agreed. The old woman stayed with him until moon rise, teaching him her techniques. At the end of the lesson, she wished him luck and returned to the sea through the surf, never to be seen again.
The man decided to try his new skills out at first light on the next morning. When he woke, he gathered his gear and went to his gas station. Instead of opening for business, he hung a sign on the door which read: . . . "This station is conducting a test of the Emerging Sea-Broad Casting System."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?
A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that she was expecting a little whisk-broom. The groom broom was aghast!
'How is this possible?' he asked. 'We've never swept together!'
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.
To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!
Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot-fish.
I hate to tell you this, but while you might be able to teach a parrot-bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot-fish.
That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. . . . Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?
Iroquois Chief Smallfellow died in battle. During the night, one of _Shorty's_ wives snuck his body out of the camp and had a very private burial under a Joshua tree out on the prairie.
She then made her son a dinner of Chinese noodles. He ate them on top of a carved tree depicting the history of his father.
It was said that this was the first time anyone ever heard of ...
Lo Mein on a totem pole.
Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese deliveryman is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling: "you sign, you sign".
The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door. The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting: "you sign, you sign".
Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.
Mandela loses his temper and yells: "look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong name".
Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks: "You not Nissan Maindealer?
Jim owned a blue-green colored Volvo. It was a '72 however, making it quite old and even Volvos don't last forever. When he was driving home one afternoon and the engine fell through the engine mounts, his wife brought up the subject of buying a new car.
"Well, I've grown partial to this car, dear" said Jim. "But honey, this car is falling apart!" his wife exclaimed. The argument went on for a while and the husband finally agreed that he would buy a new car, but only another Volvo and only the same blue-green color. It had to be the *exact* same shade of blue or he wasn't interested. And so his quest began.
"Nope. Are you sure they're made in that color?" asked all the Volvo dealers in New York. He went to Connecticut and received the same line.
He went to Rhode Isalnd, only to hear "Nope - had one last week. Couldn't sell it so we gave it to a junk dealer." Jim ran to the junk dealer just in time to see the car of his dreams crushed.
He travelled through Vermont. "Nope. Can't get one here." He tried New Hampshire. "I don't think they make them." He went into Maine. "I don't have one, but Charlie might. He's the Volvo dealer up in Caribou." Anyone ever told you about Caribou, Maine? It is freezing up there and is in the middle of nowhere.
Unfortunately, at this point, an enormous storm system began to move into the area and Jim was trapped at the dealership during the blizzard. Two days later, when the dealer arrived to open up shop, he found Jim standing by the door. Then the dealer opened the door, Jim saw it. Right in the middle of the showroom floor was his blue-ish colored Volvo. Perfect!
Jim told the dealer of his quest, paid him the sticker price and was about to leave when the dealer asked "Why did you spend so much time searching for this color Volvo? Why did it have to be this turquoise color?"
Jim smiled and said, as he drove off... "Well, there's something about an aqua Volvo, man"
We were so poor as children, we had very little to eat. One day my mother sent me to the basement to find what I could for dinner. After a long search, I came back with some beets.
This was not enough to feed our family of 6, so my mother sent me to the attic to kill the family of seagulls who had moved in there. My mother cooked the gulls and we waited for my father to get home from work. As it got later, my mother put the cooked birds in the refrigerator to keep until my father came home, as we always ate as a family.
When my father arrived late that evening we sat down to eat the skimpy dinner, but first my father prayed over the food, . . . "God bless the beets and the chilled wren."
Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.
Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"
When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?"
Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting
things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your
begs in one ask-it."
Return to Top
A friend of mine recently returned from a trip to Bombay and Calcutta, where he purchased two diamond necklaces. On his return flight to the United States, he had to go through customs where he was asked to list everything he had purchased on his trip. So he made . . . the declaration of Indian pendants.
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side.} While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar..so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."