"The darkest nights are not reserved for those who endure loss from
fire, accident, earthquake, or hurricane. The darkest hours are destined
for those whose tragedy goes unnoticed. The deepest pain belongs
to those for whom no rescue is intended--those who must endure loneliness."
Martin R. De Haan II
RBC Ministries From the booklet * Lonely But
Never Alone.
How can we discern between being alone, or being lonely? What is the difference?
The following quotes are by J. Oswald Sanders taken from the booklet referenced above.
"Loneliness is more readily experienced than defined. The Webster's Dictionary definition is, 'Being without company; cut off from others; not frequented by human beings; sad from being alone; producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation.' Taken together, these concepts combine to describe a dismal yet painfully common experience. It is not without reason that loneliness has been termed the most desolate word in the English language."
Loneliness is not easily identified, therefore not easily cured.
"Loneliness assumes many forms, each equally undesirable--an unsatisfied
inner ache, an inner vacuum, a craving for satisfaction. The human
heart has an insatiable longing to be loved.
Research has revealed that the experiences most conducive to acute
loneliness are: the death of a life partner or other family member; a separation
or divorce; a broken engagement, leaving one's homeland for a new country.
All of these incur deep emotional trauma.
In other cases, the loneliness unconsciously reflects a person's inability
to initiate or maintain a stable and satisfying relationship, especially
with members of the opposite sex. But whatever the cause, the experience
is painful in the extreme."
"It is no sin to be lonely, so there is no need to add a sense of guilt to the problem. Our Lord was lonely. But if the facts of the case are not faced realistically and purposefully, harmful attitudes may develop that will hinder present enjoyment of life and fruitful service for God and man in the future."
In the beginning, (Gen. 1:27-31), God said it wasn't good for man to be alone. He made a helper for Adam - Eve (Gen. 2:18-22). Satan came on the scene, and led them into sin. They were removed from the Garden of Eden, and separated from the close relationship with God that they had enjoyed (Gen. 3).
"People were created with a twofold need--fellowship with God and companionship
with other human beings. For these, if they are to realize the full
purpose of His creation, there can be no substitute. The social instinct
is deep within every human being, and when this need remains unsatisfied
the seeds of loneliness grow and flourish.
We are vulnerable to the onslaught of loneliness on a number of levels,
of which the emotional is the most distressing because it involves the
loss of close relationship with other people. It can be relieved only by
establishing some alternative, congenial association. To those who
are by nature shy or reserved, this presents an almost insurmountable obstacle.
Social loneliness is related to the contacts we have--or do not have--with the community in which we live. This is a chronic sense of being 'left out,' and this in turn generates a feeling of low self-worth. The victim labors under the conviction, by no means always justified, that he or she is of little significance to anyone, and therefore no one desires his or her friendship. This attitude often leads to a largely self-imposed isolation."
I have been plagued with self-doubt a good part of my life, so I understand what Mr. Sanders is saying. One may feel he/she isn't really valued on the job, or at their church. They may feel they are just a number, or a "warm body" at some function. Not really important, and won't be missed if they leave or don't return. These feelings may have roots in one's upbringing - maybe relatives or others put them down as children. These individuals may have been told they wouldn't amount to anything, that they were worthless, or no good. This plants the seeds of doubt about one's self-worth. The result may be isolation and loneliness.
"Although social loneliness is undoubtedly distressing, spiritual loneliness is even more fundamental to the condition, for it carries with it the feeling of isolation not only from fellow men and women but from the God who along can fill the vacuum in the human heart."
You may have know someone who believed they were
so bad that God could not possibly love them. But God will never
leave us or forsake us. Nothing can separate us from the love of
Christ, (Rom. 8:35-39).
Every person should have a proper relationship
with God.
"He has a cure for every lack and disorder of the human heart, whether it be spiritual or social.
Causes include increased mobility, modern inventions
such as cars, planes, computers, television, and job automation.
Even our music often addresses themes of loneliness, sadness, dispair,
longing, and heartbreak.
Just because we are in a large city, live in
a building or neighborhood with many other people, or attend a large school
or university, does not keep us from being lonely."
"Solitude is not loneliness
While there are points of similarity between solitude and loneliness, it is quite wrong to equate them without qualification. It is true that the two at times do converge, but neither the words nor the experience are synonymous.
The word alone occurs frequently in the Bible, but only in very
few cases can it be equated with loneliness.
Our Lord differentiated the two concepts when He said, 'You will leave
Me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for My Father is with Me' (Jn.
16:32). The different significance of the two words has been expressed
in this way: Loneliness is the result of the absence of personal
intimacy or meaningful activity. Solitude is not being in
the company of others.
Loneliness is always a negative experience, while solitude is often
positive and renewing. Loneliness brings a feeling of desolation
and depression that can be destructive. It tends to stifle hope and
quench aspiration. Solitude can generate a sense of solitariness
that is both creative and motivating. The one is involuntary, unwanted.
The other is voluntary and deliberately chosen."
In nearly 41 years of marriage, my wife and I have found the difference first-hand. We each need our "space" on occasion. It is simply a matter of doing something by ourselves. I sit in the "office" typing this article, she is in the other room working on things for our daughter's upcoming wedding and watching tv. We are in the same house - not alone, and not lonely. But we are in our own solitude - doing our own thing.
"We need to be alone to discover and confront our real selves. A time of self-imposed solitude has often led to invaluable self-analysis and a fresh outlook on life. Periods of solitude can equip us to help others. Our Lord's frequent desire for solitude was not for the mere sake of being along; it was primarily to enjoy communication with His Father. Then, strengthened and encouraged by that fellowship, He returned better equipped to meet the demands of the needy and lonely crowds that constantly pursued Him.
Far from being an unwelcome liability, solitude confers many fringe benefits. It is in the place of quietness that creativity flourishes, not in the hubbub of modern life. We are so constituted that while we crave intimacy with other human beings, there are times when solitude becomes imperative, especially the silence of aloneness with God, when other voices have died away. It is then we have the unique opportunity of listening unhurriedly to His 'voice of gentle stillness.' The enrichment that follows cannot be exaggerated, for communion with the eternal God is the most potent medium of inner fulfillment."
We all need an oasis to which we can go to get
away from all the jangle of the world around us. The best and complete
"medicine" for loneliness is time spent in the presence of God. Think
about how good God is to you. Reflect on your blessings. He
was with Jesus; He will be with each of us. He understands the problems
we have, He knows what we have need of before we ask, (Mat. 6:8). Ask and
you shall receive.
(Mat. 21:22) And we are expected to believe
that God can do whatever He has promised, (Rom. 4:21).
"God's promises are bound up with His character and rest on four of His attributes.
"....To be able to forgive affords such a relief to the soul that it
is all the relief many need. So if there is someone whom we have
not forgiven for some injury suffered, that is a stumbling block that must
be removed.
So avail yourself of the therapeutic power of God's ready forgiveness."
Psalm 103:12 tells us that as far as the east is from the west, so far has God removed our transgressions from us. We can forget the things behind and reach forward to the things ahead, (Phil. 3:13).
God knows our frailty, (Psalm 103:14). He is our refuge, (Psalm 62:8).
We can rely on Him, trust Him, confide in Him.
He will never leave us or forsake us, (Rom. 8:35-39).
* Quotes are excerpts from the book Facing Loneliness:
The Starting Point of a New Journey by J. Oswald Sanders
Available from Discovery House Publishers, an affiliate
of RBC Ministries, POB 3566, Grand Rapids, MI 49501-3566
RBC
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Last update: 04/22/2005