FAILURE OF PEOPLE TO FACE FAULTS ALLOWS ABUSE TO OCCUR NON-STOP

Copied from an internet forum: Used with permission

Just wanted to throw something out and get feedback:

Being a double major in Developmental Psych/Occupational Therapy, I am most interested in learning specifics/what prohibits people from facing their own faults, weaknesses, abusiveness, etc.

Not just the usual answers.

For instance, I've learned narcissism is a factor, and the lack of empathy (two specific kinds of it) can be a factor in people eventually becoming violent criminals and serial killers. I see constant patterns of invalidation, minimization and denial involved when pastors/leaders are abusive; even when whole congregations are "passively" abusive (such as severely discouraging a member to reveal any mental illness or express any distress or difficulties while in church -- tough not to do when you've been triggered by something.) They seem to care too much what others think.

Lack of empathy and thriving narcissism are key ingredients in the stories of on-going abuse that wend throughout this board.

It is most distressing to find that in our society there are so few actual, safe supports for people recovering from abuse of all kinds. I mean, not just "supports", but safe, mature, healthy people to form relationships with. What a conundrum when a person wants to recover, wants to risk new relationships, yet cannot turn to a local church for that sense of "family". If you also have been spiritually abused, toxic churches/therapists/abusive people pretty much guarantee that you are on your own. They seem to be a dime-a-dozen. To have to live with no real sense of hope of safe healthy relationship formation and community seems like additional abuse to endure. Sometimes, its all a survivor can do to make it into therapy. They need supportive relationships throughout it and even after when building a new life.

Reading through this board there I'm struck by so many that have so little community ties and are in such great pain. Healthy love connection in relationships provides a model for children (as well as your "inner" child or parts) to internalize so that re-parenting yourself in therapy becomes even more effective. So, its necessary in recovery to establish good healthy healing relationships. Way too often the pattern is for survivors to re-parent themselves without this vital connection.

Scripture is clear that love is what heals, the kind of love that is safe, real, healthy, humble.

In contrast, in scripture, Nathan confronted King David with his sins; David had the decency to remember to respond (finally) with deep repentance, the kind that changes you from the inside out. He was a lover of God AND an abuser/murderer/conspirator. When the king sinned (without true repentance), the nation and people suffered. But when David (initiated by Nathan) chose to face his sins and the evil he had done to himself and others, he was able to choose change. And he was able to re-establish relationship with God. There were, of course, certain consequences for his sins as the Messiah had not arrived yet.

The Bible defines repentance as the agreement with God about your sin, its consequences on yourself, God and others, and humbling/allowing yourself to be changed by facing our sinful choices (truth vs. counterfeits), learning who we are really created to be by God (identity vs. flesh/false identities), and concurrently learning who God is and how to relate with Him (Truth and Grace in accountable, loving relationship).

Denial, repression, invalidation, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, sexual abuse, manipulations, revenge, sarcasm, jealousies, passivity and all the like isn't necessary and can be stopped when a human chooses to face these things in themselves with God's help, we can and are able to choose to face our deepest sins and fears. Most outward maladaptive behavior relates to inward fears. Fear can drive us to manifest abuse in our behavior to self, God, and others. Or, alternatively, we can choose to face our fear, defeat narcissism, defeat abusiveness, and choose a new responsiveness to self/God/others. The failure to face our faults allows abusiveness to occur non-stop. Those who practice facing their fears and faults begin to develop maturity and accountability, responsibility to self/God/others. They start to begin to understand what it means to give love.

Essential companion skills to develop are forgiveness and giving grace, assertiveness/ boldness-humbleness and empathy. It is possible to have empathy for the victim and the abuser alike, but both need to choose to face/accept their responsibilities to develop mature selves. For those who choose not to repent, choose not to face their darkness, choose not to transform/ grow, there is no hope of recovery/growth until and if they choose to do so. They must choose to remain immature or to take steps to become mature.

Some abusers cannot stand anything that touches their ego/narcissism or threatens/invites them to relinquish it; they fear that without it they will die. Even two year olds learn they are not King of the World and that the ego has its proper roles in development.

Does it all come down to the power of personal choice?

If this was taught to our children from birth and in our school and church systems, abuse statistics would be cut way down. And children would have to think twice about bullying each other in school. Too often passively abusive behavior is encouraged in school (harmless teasing and all that bunk). Gee, they might actually become more aware and develop a healthy identity at an early age -- imagine that!

And there would be less need for and existence of cults, less people taken in by cults because people would learn to take responsibility for themselves, not look to cults as a replacement self. They would be aware from the get-go, not

burned and have to recover. Its really about choice. Unhealthy ones vs. healthy and Godly ones. How many times does Scripture beg the Jews to "turn from wickedness...turn to Me...repent...stop going after false gods...turn away from...change direction...agree with Me...stop denying...humble yourself...revere the Lord...run to Me...Hide in Me...Rest in Me...Come to Me...confront...stand against wickedness... admit...confess...restoration possible when we repent...come back...respond to Me...where are you?...I am here for you, always. Love one another as I love you." 

Which way will you choose?

"Choose today whom you will serve..."

If you have any additional insights, please reply.

Kings Daughter

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