CHURCH LADIES & THEIR TYPEWRITERS
(real excerpts from Sunday bulletins)
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from
Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
Conference:
"The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer
Conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the
Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching
for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth
keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is
hard to love. Say "Hell" to
someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions.
She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing:
"Break Forth Into
Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be:
"What Is Hell?" Come early and listen
to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you
want
remembered.
20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and
gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their
electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday
at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large
double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
31. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
